Living and not just existing



I have been feeling somewhat in a rut for the past few months. I have always been the quiet girl. Most of my friends were these loud and outgoing people; I longed to be like them. But I have now accepted that will never be me. And I'm okay with that. I am the quiet, extremely introverted, funny, loving and supportive woman. Shopping is my favorite pass time (I have an addiction) along with cooking, watching movies and spending time with my family.


After numerous unsuccessful relationships, I can honestly say I had given up. I just stopped trying when it came to men. I forced on work and speak my weekends home on the couch stuffing my face and watching tv. I didn't want to date. And if I did, I would find something wrong with the person or it just wouldn't work out. After so much disappointment it, it just became easier for me to shut down that part of my life. I've been at my job almost five years and while I love the people I work with, I feel like I am just going with the motions.


So today, I started this blog. To write out the way I feel. And even if no one ever reads this, I am actually feeling a little better writing it out instead of keeping the way I feel in. This next 31 years, I hope to publish a book, start the process of getting back into college and getting my Associate's degree.


I also want to give dating another chance. Be willing to put myself out there but know when to pull back. Allow myself to love and be loved. I have talked for years about cyrobanks; these next few months into 2017 I plan to do actual research as being a mother (where married or alone) has always been at the top of my list.


I want to mark the numerous bucket list options off as complete. I want to start living and not just existing.


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Comments (5)

  1. GovMisdirection

    You are not alone with this situation. If you go fishing and all you catch is muddogs, you need to fish another pond. Good luck.

    October 11, 2016
  2. theboywhoblockedhisownshot

    Living is running directly towards whatever scares the hell out of you. Just make sure to bring compassion and objectiveness with you.

    October 13, 2016
  3. formally_known

    Im in a similar situation. I feel pressured by friends and family to get married and have kids but thats not what I want or at least not yet. If and when I make that decision it will totally up to me. Im not going to live my life the way society has come to expect us to live it. I also do not want my children growing up in a broken home like I did. So I am going to take my time to find the right person. I would rather stay single and childless then have my kids grow up in a broken home.

    October 18, 2016
    1. jayscar23

      I can definitely understand that. My dad wasn’t really around but my mom was more than enough for me growing up. I always knew I was loved and protected. I used to think it had to be date, married, house, kids and a dog. I’m not so sure of that anymore(maybe the dog). I don’t see myself getting married(my cousin says I’m too negative; working on it) but I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Hopefully we’ll both find what we’re looking for whatever that may be.

      October 18, 2016
  4. dreamkharma

    maybe 31 is the age of feeling of living and not existing. I compare to you a lot.

    December 02, 2016